I think I’m happy again.

I have to use the qualifier term “think” because the truth is it has been such a long time since I’ve been happy that I had forgotten what it feels like.  In fact, the feeling reminds me of a time in my life that I have been unable to look back upon with fondness.  Whether that is because my last time of happiness slid down a very sharp slope or because I was unable to bring myself to recall happiness, it’s all irrelevant now.  For a while, I wondered if I could ever be at this point again.  It took a while, but I think I’m here.

My last post, written nearly two months ago, was written on the verge of a nervous breakdown.  Shortly after composing it, I retreated to my bed and broke down in prayer, begging for something new.  I didn’t know what I wanted anymore, I just wanted something to happen, and I begged and pleaded God for it.  The next morning, as I ventured into Waco to pick up supplies and in turn regain cell phone signal, my prayer was answered in the form of a voice mail from my former place of internship.  I was offered a job.

The ensuing couple weeks were a roller-coaster ride of rushing to make plans and then diving head-first into New York City homelessness.  Staying at a YMCA in a crime-ridden area, I would stare out the window at a gorgeous view of a brick wall.  Luckily, I had friends to remind me that I was in paradise, finally making something happen.  I have God to thank for getting me there, and my friends to thank for keeping me level-headed.  It’s as if, like Job in the Old Testament, I had to lose all my dreams, aspirations, self-image and self-worth before God could bless me.  I had to stop asking for what I wanted and ask God to do His thing.  It’s been an amazing blessing that His thing has been to put me where I’ve been asking all along.

I’ve been in New York for a month and a half, and I have been loving it.  Work, though not glamorous, is phenomenal compared to the temp-ing hell-hole I found myself in in Dallas.  My apartment, though a crap-hole, is *my* crap hole in a neighborhood with a lot of old charm.  Things have really been working themselves out.

I hope I can hold on to what I have found here.  I have always suffered from an extreme form of the Grass-is-Always-Greener Complex.  I have never been quick to make friends, so Friday and Saturday nights can take their toll.  But regardless of what happens, I think I’m happy again.

“Where is the youth we left behind?  Where is the truth that cannot hide?  Where is the world you had in mind?  Was it lost in you, is it lost in me?” - Colin Armstrong

I don’t know who I am anymore. 

There’s a me that I want be, a very distinct, happy me.  But I’m not him.  There’s a me who wakes up at 7 A.M. and goes for a stroll down 5th Avenue or Bleecker Street in NYC as inspiration settles in.  That me settles in with a sleek laptop whose battery never seems to die in a cozy, modern coffee shop.  That me writes for a couple of hours while he sips on a White Chocolate Mocha that he has only ordered because he doesn’t want to seem like a freeloader in said coffeeshop.  That me then spends the afternoon walking the long loop around Central Park or staring at a Salvador Dali painting at the Met.  The day is often finished up with a casual dinner in an Italian restaurant with a healthy glass of red wine before I retreat to my modest, but comfortable loft apartment.

That me doesn’t exist.  In fact, only one aspect of that me really exists, and it is the aspect that is noticeably absent in the above portrait - that of relationships.

The me I see is less than ideal.  The me I see is confused and lost and distinctly not happy.  The me I see takes odd jobs to make the ends meet, but is never satisfied at the end of the day.  The toil is unrewarding and the outcome meaningless in the grand scheme of things.  He then goes home to no one.

The me I see has begun making friends again, but the me I see seems to be willing to sacrifice these friendships for a future that may or may not land me in the life of the me I want to be.  I don’t like the me I see now, but I value the relationships I’ve been blessed to have.  But when relationships are so few and far between, how do they factor into the me I want to be?  My head spins and I walk away with fewer answers and more questions than when I began.

I don’t like the me I see, and the me I want to be is very clearly not me.  If I cannot be the me I want to be, what me am I supposed to be?  Will other people be a part of the me I am supposed to be?  Could that be a new me I want to be?  How do I know if that’s a me I want to be?  What does a new me look like when all I have to base him on is the people around him and ambitions related to the original me I wanted to be are no longer factored in?

I don’t know who I am anymore.

Television is going through a homogenization. It’s been going on for years, but it is a process that is becoming increasingly and exponentially worse. The problem, I believe, lies in the archaic Nielsen ratings.

The Nielsen ratings, though theoretically and scientifically sound, is fundamentally flawed in that it relies on information from the lowest common denominator of the American public. Scott Adams, the creator of Dilbert, refers to these kinds of people as Induhviduals. These are the people that watch “According To Jim” and “The War At Home”.

Induhviduals do not watch quality programming for the simple explanation that they cannot understand or appreciate it. Since these induhviduals are the target of all television ratings research, the business behind the art naturally shifts towards the mindless and inane. Shows that make an effort to be intelligent and captivating are left in the dust in favor of “Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader?” Obviously not, America.

When Arrested Development was cancelled, many were outraged, though few were surprised. It is no secret that Fox is notorious for slash and burn techniques, looking for the newest overnight sensation. CBS, however, has traditionally been a conservative network, and I have praised it often over the last couple years for really coming forth and producing consistently entertaining fare. The network that could do no wrong in my eyes, has done wrong.

A good show requires a very careful combination of many different variables including thoughtful scriptwriting, engaging characters, and a certain X factor that keeps you coming back week after week, willingly sitting through commercials instead of TiVo-ing the program because you just can’t wait to see what happens next. These shows are rare.

A show that can make a grown man cry is even more rare. Yet, when Gerald McRaney’s character Johnston Green, with his final breath, delivers his final thoughts to his sons, it requires every effort not to. “Jericho” is a show not without it’s flaws, but still so beautifully crafted that one can easily become emotionally attached to the characters.

The flawed business of art has no room for shows such as these. They don’t appeal to the lowest-common-denominator of America. CBS hopes that “Kid Nation”, a reality show that sets kids loose in an abandoned town a la “Lord of the Flies” will be a fine replacement for “Jericho”. Shame on you, CBS. Shame.

One year ago today, I had my last class as an undergraduate.

One year ago today, I was offered a job by the president of a television production company.

One year ago today, I turned twenty-two. By all accounts, I should not be able to remember the ensuing night, but I do and I remember it fondly. For those that weren’t there, I promise you, it was a celebration. Parts of me wish I could be spending this birthday at Rudy’s Bar & Grill in Manhattan with my closest friends, but it just wouldn’t be the same.

You see, I’ve squandered this last year of my life. My twenty-second birthday was great because I was concluding one hell of an academic run if I do say so myself. It was great because I was being offered the kind of job I’d wanted for so long. It was great because though one chapter was coming to a close, I could see the future approaching rapidly and I was ready to take it on.

So what went wrong? For the last year I have done nothing but make excuses and lie to myself and others. I didn’t accept the job in New York because “the pay was too little.” I practically laid in bed for six months because “I was exhausted from an intensive year at Baylor.” In the last 365 days, I have told countless people – AND MYSELF!!! – that I was using my free-time to write.

I’ve written a whopping four pages and scribbled down a couple pages of notes that hardly count for an outline.

I’m done making excuses and I’m sick of lying to myself. Though I don’t traditionally make a huge deal out of birthdays, I suppose this day is as good as any to mark a new beginning.

I hate my job right now. It’s not a bad job, but it’s not where I want to be. As such, I’ve spent the last two weeks of my free time developing StolenLawnmower.com (still not done, but it’s coming along). I’m breaking out of my lazy habits and starting to be productive again. Let me tell you, it feels good. Damn good.

I’m no longer content to sit around and watch CBS and play Grand Theft Auto and merely talk about my candy-coated future. I’ve made many mistakes this last year, but I’m ready to forgive myself and pick up – as best I can – where I left off one year ago. The future I want won’t be handed to me. It’s up to me and me alone to make stuff happen.

One year ago, I told people I would have a film in the can by my twenty-fourth birthday. I’m now twenty three and behind, but I’m ready and willing to make up for lost time.

Hello my future. It’s me again. Miss me?

Soundtrack To Life
IF YOUR LIFE WAS A MOVIE, WHAT WOULD THE SOUNDTRACK BE?
So, here’s how it works:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that’s playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don’t lie and try to pretend you’re cool…

Opening Credits:
Steve Winwood - While You See A Chance

Waking Up:
Meat Loaf - Dead Ringer For Love

First Day At School:
Simon & Garfunkel - A Hazy Shade Of Winter

Childhood:
Angie Aparo - It’s Alright

Falling In Love:
Switchfoot - Dare You To Move (interesting choice, iTunes… interesting choice, indeed…)

Fight Song:
Andy Zipf - Maybe Tonight

Breaking Up:
Matisyahu - What I’m Fighting For

Prom:
Johnny Cash - Cry, Cry, Cry

Life:
Linkin Park - Breaking The Habit

College:
Blessid Union of Souls - Stone Glass Window

High School:
Jars of Clay - Love Song For A Savior

Mental Breakdown:
Barry White - Never, Never Gonna Give You Up (not a bad breakdown song… i can see this very cinematically…)

Driving:
Kylie Minogue - The Loco-Motion

Flashback:
Heart - All I Want To Do Is Make Love To You

Getting Back Together:
Phil Collins - Another Day In Paradise

Wedding:
Boyz 2 Men - On Bended Knee

Birth of Child:
Ruben Studdard - Sorry 2004 (whuh-oh!)

Final Battle:
Stevie Wonder - Superstition

Death Scene:
Enrique Iglesias - Bailamos

Funeral Song:
Snap - Rhythm Is A Dancer (that’s right… dance it up!)

End Credits:
James Taylor - You Can Close Your Eyes

Meat Loaf’s “Bat Out Of Hell 3: The Monster Is Loose” will be released tomorrow. If you value the advancement of your personal cultural enlightenment, the realization of all your testosterone-driven rock-and-roll fantasies, and the edification of your very soul, you will purchase it first thing tomorrow morning, just as I will be doing.

That is all.

It is 10:28pm as I begin to type this conclusion. I’ve checked out of my room and all my bags are packed, and I leave for the airport in only six hours.

It’s weird.

If you had asked me a couple months ago if I were ready to go home, I would have said, “Yes! Yes! Unequivocally yes!” Even a month ago, or a couple of weeks ago, that would have been the case. But the sun has come out… in more ways than just one.

I didn’t feel like what I was doing at work was anything special, but the people there really appreciated me… and I appreciate that. The open show of support towards the end really turned things around in terms of the way I was feeling. I mean, I might come back. I don’t know how I would manage to make things work here, it’s just so damn expensive… but I wouldn’t be too terribly opposed if I could make it work.

And with the weather warming up, the people here seem to have warmed up, too. I can now walk down the street and see plenty of people with smiles and a bounce in their step, where before there was only anger and misery. I’m not sure if it was merely my perception changing, or if there really is a change in people because of the weather. It sparked a change in my own attitude, so I wouldn’t doubt if other people respond in the same way.

Coming up here, I thought I was moving to the New York I thought I knew through the movies. The bright, sun-shiny, beautiful Upper West Side, Central Park, Cloisters New York. I discovered very quickly that that perception of New York is a meticulously crafted fake New York, romanticized often by purely native New Yorkers. My bubble burst so quickly, and the resulting funk left me extremely homesick.

But in my last three or so weeks here, I’ve begun to see what natives love about New York so much. Central Park on a nice, clear day is absolutely amazing, and EVERYONE grabs a spot in the fields and just hangs out. You don’t get that in Texas, because it’s only nice for about a week before it gets too hot to do that. Meanwhile, all the plants are sprouting, and the trees are a gorgeous green. And the Cloisters are fabulously serene…...

The New York of the movies is a real New York, but only at certain times of the year. I love this New York… But I can’t handle another New York winter. So I’m a little sad to be leaving everyone I’ve gotten so close to, and the weather I’m becoming very fond of, but Texas has never left me in a month-long, hazy funk. And Texas has mexican food. And cheap everything. I’m looking forward to going home, but I do think I’m going to miss what I have here.

Will I come back? That still remains to be seen.

Things I’m Going To Miss About NYC:

• The man who operates the Rafiqi’s Halal Food cart. He always sports a giant smile.
• The variety of foods.
• The people at work. Several of them are genuinely cool people.
• Central Park, now that it’s warmed up and turned green.
• The people I live with. No matter how much crap we’ve gone through, I love them all.
• Being able to walk everywhere if I so choose.
• Delivery.com - Nearly every restuarant that delivers to me, at my fingertips.
• Dr. Kickasola / The classes I took. I genuinely enjoyed them. Learned a lot.
• Having a reason to listen to my iPod (blocking out street noises, bored on the subway, etc.)
• Beautiful getaways like The Cloisters
• This beautiful spring weather.

Things I’m Not Going To Miss About NYC:

• The lack of visible horizon-lines.
• The lack of hospitality.
• The cash-only nature of most businesses.
• Waiting for the orange line trains late at night.
• The prices on everything.
• Tourists who don’t understand how to move in a pedestrian city.
• The depressing gloom that is cast over the city mid-winter.
• The lingering burning smell from Sabretts and Nuts 4 Nuts carts.
• The smell of piss… everywhere.
• The fact that the City That Doesn’t Sleep only stays up if you’re a bloody alcoholic… Everything else closes relatively early.
• Pizza delivery people who can’t hold a pizza flat while delivering, and wind up delivering a pizza with all the toppings pushed to one side.
  
  
• TIMES SQUARE.

Well, it’s the last week here for me in New York City. There are a million thoughts in my head all jumbled up, and I’m not going to be able to get it all down in one sitting, so here begins the first in a series of Final Thoughts. Below is a recap of how my last three weeks of work went.

T Minus 2 Weeks
I think I’m finally getting over myself. At the very least, I can finally admit to myself (again) that work isn’t that bad. Reality TV is not a bad job. I spent Tuesday and Wednesday in the edit room with Dylan, kind of talking about my future plans. I explained how I’m just not sure if I could afford to live in New York, so I’m also looking at opportunities in Texas and California. He had indicated at one point that he might offer me a job closer to the end of the semester, but on Wednesday, I found out he doesn’t really have that power. Rather, he would just recommend and support my nomination the next time a production assistant job opened up.

Anyway, in the discussion about opportunities, and particularly in Los Angeles, Dylan told me I should keep in touch with him, because the possibility has existed for a while now that either he, or someone else with the company could theoretically be relocated down to LA to do some producing, and they would need a good hand out there. I know right now, they have one guy out in LA, and they’re trying to establish themselves there as well. Truth be told, I wouldn’t mind working with this company, but I’d much rather do it in LA than New York. (28 Hours worked)

T Minus 1 Week
Even though work is getting better, I think I’m finally at peace with what I want to do. New York is warming up, and it seems that everything about life seems to be warming up with it. So even though I like City Lights and the people there, and even though New York isn’t the depressing place I thought it was… this isn’t where I want to be. And that’s ok. I’m ok with the fact even though I spent the last (almost) decade wanting to come to New York, that this isn’t really the place I need to be. I would love to work in Texas… I wouldn’t mind working in California. But this semester has been absolutely perfect in the sense that I was able to get New York out of my system, able to know it’s not the place for me, without investing the time and money to actually relocate. I wouldn’t trade my time here for anything, but, at least at this point, I don’t think I’ll be coming back. (22 Hours Worked)

T: The Last Week
On Monday, I was offered a job. A producer approached me, wanting to hire me as a production assistant for a show starting up in early-to-mid-May. I informed them that I would be unable to do it, as I’m returning to Texas to walk at graduation, and I would need a few weeks after that to get my affairs in order. I didn’t want to say flat out that I’m not coming back, because to be honest, if the pay were right, I would totally come back. But only if the pay were right. Anyway, he gave me his card and told me to keep in touch. And that was it for two days… But Wednesday was my last day, and in the last two hours, nearly everyone in the office practically offered me a job. The entire office apparently loves me and they all want me to come back. I don’t quite understand it.

On my way out, the president of the Television department approached me. I don’t think I’ve said more than 2 words to this guy in the entire time I’ve been at City Lights, but he wanted to make sure I was coming back. He mentioned that I’m one of the few, rare interns that people talk about liking. I was flattered, because if you’ll remember, I was phoning it in for several weks there. Anyway, he said they could only start me off as a production assistant at $26k/year, but because I’m interested in editing, I could have access to their edit suites to teach myself Avid, and theoretically, I could move up to be a full-time editor in only a few years… and editors get paid handsomely.

So I don’t know. My peace was short-lived and now confusion reigns supreme. It’s really a pretty solid opportunity I have before me… but I don’t know how I would be able to live on $26k/year when I have student loan payments coming up rapidly. And Reality TV has never been my ambition. Never. But it is a start… Isn’t it? (21 Hours Worked)

I’m getting really bad at updating this thing. I guess it’s been about three weeks now. Well, here’s a re-cap of how my thoughts have progressed during that time:

3 Weeks Ago:
Work has become extremely dull. The days go by in a blur of nothingness. The only things I can find myself remembering about my days now are what I listened to on my iPod going to and from work. It’s not that work sucks or anything, I just can’t seem to get excited about what I’m doing and I’m not sure if it’s because I now know this isn’t what I want to do or what… Am I wasting my time here? (21 Hours worked)

2 Weeks Ago:
In class, we were talking about internship experiences, and I brought up how everything is going by in a blur, and I went so far as to say that things were getting better, but I can’t imagine ever being excited about this stuff, so I went back through my blog to see how things have progressed. Less than a month ago, I said I was beginning to enjoy work. I don’t remember this anymore. I mean, work isn’t bad, but is it worth doing if you don’t enjoy it? I need to get paid, but I also need to feel like I’m doing something worthwhile. (22 Hours Worked)

Last Week:
There is a certain satisfaction that is derived from knowing you are appreciated. Even if you don’t think you’ve necessarily done anything of value, when people appreciate it, it takes on a completely new level of value. I keep going to work and engaging in what seems like minutia. Transcribing tapes won’t keep the world from blowing up. But those who need it done really appreciate it. I like knowing that. As such, the blur is beginning to regain some sense of definition, but only in those moments where my work is being recognized. I just hope I don’t turn into an attention hog. (22 Hours worked)

Other Random Thoughts:
I got to see Tarzan on Broadway for the first ever preview night. Kyle won tickets, and we both got to sit literally in the middle of the front row, behind the conductor’s head. I brushed elbows with Phil Collins in the lobby. I would have said something, but it looked like he wasn’t really enjoying all the attention, so I left him alone.

Then I saw Phil Collins in Central Park the following Sunday. He was looking at the seals in the zoo. He looked so peaceful, I let him be.

I’m going to see Straylight Run in concert tonight. That’ll be fun.

I don’t really know what else to say. So that’s it for now.