“I am a song.  I’ve been here all along.  Be here when the hatred’s gone.  Hey, can you recognize me?  I am the light of the sun.” - Angie Aparo

There was a scary moment as I was walking home from my Racquetball class today.  I could have sworn I was going to lose it, as in nervous breakdown lose it.  The tears were welling up, but I played it off as allergies, so passing Katy on the way into the apartment was an interesting moment.  I don’t think she noticed, though she’ll know now if she reads this… The reality of my life, concerning these three months of October through December, while I had been fully conscious of all of it, hit me all at once.

This is supposed to be the greatest semester for me here at Baylor.  I’m finally able to take a full load exclusively with the classes I have WANTED to take since I first enrolled, but instead of this semester rocking, it is sucking something nasty.  These classes that I’ve waited so long to take require a lot of outside work, which I don’t mind, because as I’ve said, they’re classes I’ve been WANTING to take.  Now, while I admit my current financial situation is as much my fault as it is Baylor/Bank of America’s (giant, monstrous snag in the line of communication this summer), I find myself in the position where I have to take a job just so I can pay my bills and eat until January when the next set of loans are disbursed.  I took a job as a delivery driver for Domino’s Pizza, which isn’t a hard job, but looking at my schedule now, I have absolutely NO clue how I am going to balance 17 hours of classes (though officially my transcript only reads 13), a 25-hour-a-week job, and all the outside projects I have to do for those classes.

I am FRIGHTENED right now beyond belief, and I’m not afraid to admit it.  I can feel an ulcer developing right now as the knot in my stomach twists itself into formations only theoretical mathematicians are familiar with.

James and I are collaborating on a new video project which will serve as my final project for Directing The Film.  It has the promise and potential to be the best thing I / we’ve ever done, if it’s done right.  IF… IF it is done right.  Pardon my French, but how the hell am I supposed to focus on making my last project at Baylor the best one yet when I’m walking a fucking tightrope trying to balance my fucking schedule?!

I have a silent film due next Monday.  I still don’t know what I am going to do for it, but because of my job, I’m not going to have time to even touch it until Saturday, and even then I work Saturday night.  I’m not worried about how the silent film comes out, because it’s just an exercize.  I am VERY worried about how the hell I’m going to get it done in time.

I have my music going right now to calm me.  I call it my Prozac Mix, ‘though I’m sure it’s much more effective than any medication.  I feel like I’ve got my shield up well enough that I’ll make it through December, because at this moment that’s all I’m worried about:  Making it through December.  I just feel like I’m going to turn a corner one of these days, leaving my back exposed for a full attack from our friend - the breakdown.

I hope this is just a really bad case of the Mondays.  I don’t know how long I can live like this :(