Well, it’s the last week here for me in New York City. There are a million thoughts in my head all jumbled up, and I’m not going to be able to get it all down in one sitting, so here begins the first in a series of Final Thoughts. Below is a recap of how my last three weeks of work went.

T Minus 2 Weeks
I think I’m finally getting over myself. At the very least, I can finally admit to myself (again) that work isn’t that bad. Reality TV is not a bad job. I spent Tuesday and Wednesday in the edit room with Dylan, kind of talking about my future plans. I explained how I’m just not sure if I could afford to live in New York, so I’m also looking at opportunities in Texas and California. He had indicated at one point that he might offer me a job closer to the end of the semester, but on Wednesday, I found out he doesn’t really have that power. Rather, he would just recommend and support my nomination the next time a production assistant job opened up.

Anyway, in the discussion about opportunities, and particularly in Los Angeles, Dylan told me I should keep in touch with him, because the possibility has existed for a while now that either he, or someone else with the company could theoretically be relocated down to LA to do some producing, and they would need a good hand out there. I know right now, they have one guy out in LA, and they’re trying to establish themselves there as well. Truth be told, I wouldn’t mind working with this company, but I’d much rather do it in LA than New York. (28 Hours worked)

T Minus 1 Week
Even though work is getting better, I think I’m finally at peace with what I want to do. New York is warming up, and it seems that everything about life seems to be warming up with it. So even though I like City Lights and the people there, and even though New York isn’t the depressing place I thought it was… this isn’t where I want to be. And that’s ok. I’m ok with the fact even though I spent the last (almost) decade wanting to come to New York, that this isn’t really the place I need to be. I would love to work in Texas… I wouldn’t mind working in California. But this semester has been absolutely perfect in the sense that I was able to get New York out of my system, able to know it’s not the place for me, without investing the time and money to actually relocate. I wouldn’t trade my time here for anything, but, at least at this point, I don’t think I’ll be coming back. (22 Hours Worked)

T: The Last Week
On Monday, I was offered a job. A producer approached me, wanting to hire me as a production assistant for a show starting up in early-to-mid-May. I informed them that I would be unable to do it, as I’m returning to Texas to walk at graduation, and I would need a few weeks after that to get my affairs in order. I didn’t want to say flat out that I’m not coming back, because to be honest, if the pay were right, I would totally come back. But only if the pay were right. Anyway, he gave me his card and told me to keep in touch. And that was it for two days… But Wednesday was my last day, and in the last two hours, nearly everyone in the office practically offered me a job. The entire office apparently loves me and they all want me to come back. I don’t quite understand it.

On my way out, the president of the Television department approached me. I don’t think I’ve said more than 2 words to this guy in the entire time I’ve been at City Lights, but he wanted to make sure I was coming back. He mentioned that I’m one of the few, rare interns that people talk about liking. I was flattered, because if you’ll remember, I was phoning it in for several weks there. Anyway, he said they could only start me off as a production assistant at $26k/year, but because I’m interested in editing, I could have access to their edit suites to teach myself Avid, and theoretically, I could move up to be a full-time editor in only a few years… and editors get paid handsomely.

So I don’t know. My peace was short-lived and now confusion reigns supreme. It’s really a pretty solid opportunity I have before me… but I don’t know how I would be able to live on $26k/year when I have student loan payments coming up rapidly. And Reality TV has never been my ambition. Never. But it is a start… Isn’t it? (21 Hours Worked)

Like New York in winter
People are shallow
Empty tombs without souls
The horizon hides from me…
teasing.

Like Coney Island in the rain
Streets are abandoned
Shops are closed up
Childhood stares me in the eye…
mocking.

It’s a cold place
This land of opportunity
Where do the dreamers go
When dreams are gone…
defeated.

I’m getting really bad at updating this thing. I guess it’s been about three weeks now. Well, here’s a re-cap of how my thoughts have progressed during that time:

3 Weeks Ago:
Work has become extremely dull. The days go by in a blur of nothingness. The only things I can find myself remembering about my days now are what I listened to on my iPod going to and from work. It’s not that work sucks or anything, I just can’t seem to get excited about what I’m doing and I’m not sure if it’s because I now know this isn’t what I want to do or what… Am I wasting my time here? (21 Hours worked)

2 Weeks Ago:
In class, we were talking about internship experiences, and I brought up how everything is going by in a blur, and I went so far as to say that things were getting better, but I can’t imagine ever being excited about this stuff, so I went back through my blog to see how things have progressed. Less than a month ago, I said I was beginning to enjoy work. I don’t remember this anymore. I mean, work isn’t bad, but is it worth doing if you don’t enjoy it? I need to get paid, but I also need to feel like I’m doing something worthwhile. (22 Hours Worked)

Last Week:
There is a certain satisfaction that is derived from knowing you are appreciated. Even if you don’t think you’ve necessarily done anything of value, when people appreciate it, it takes on a completely new level of value. I keep going to work and engaging in what seems like minutia. Transcribing tapes won’t keep the world from blowing up. But those who need it done really appreciate it. I like knowing that. As such, the blur is beginning to regain some sense of definition, but only in those moments where my work is being recognized. I just hope I don’t turn into an attention hog. (22 Hours worked)

Other Random Thoughts:
I got to see Tarzan on Broadway for the first ever preview night. Kyle won tickets, and we both got to sit literally in the middle of the front row, behind the conductor’s head. I brushed elbows with Phil Collins in the lobby. I would have said something, but it looked like he wasn’t really enjoying all the attention, so I left him alone.

Then I saw Phil Collins in Central Park the following Sunday. He was looking at the seals in the zoo. He looked so peaceful, I let him be.

I’m going to see Straylight Run in concert tonight. That’ll be fun.

I don’t really know what else to say. So that’s it for now.