Temptation

To drink or not to drink, to get high or to remain sober, and to engage in fornication or not to. I have these decisions looming over me at this point. I want to do all three. I want to have each of those as part of my life experience, but I am scared that I am violating myself. I mean, I don’t know what is even going on with girls. I am so lost and just want someone to talk to honestly with, and have them give the reaction that I want. I don’t know if that will happen, but if it does, I will be happy, at least for a time. I doubt that I will have sex, because that is more a decision of timing than anything else. It will happen and I feel that saving that for someone special (my wife) and that there is nothing that I should do to jeopardize that. The drinking and the drugs are different. There is a point at when I have to stop doing stupid stuff. When I have to be responsible for others lives and my own (on more of a level than I am now). I want to try new things, and at this point I think that I have tried most of what I feel is exciting. I mean that I want to know certain things feel like, and the sensation of getting high, tripping, whatever you want to call it, I want to know what it feels like. I want to have that sensation pulsate through my body, and ponder on it. The drinking is another thing all together. I don’t know whether I will ever start to drink in my lifetime, but if I am going to, I should start now. I mean why waste time. Those are my reasons for. The reasons against are that I feel like getting high is wrong, not to mention illegal and dangerous. I could become an addict or I could get busted and kicked out of college and never able to get a job again. Now these are unlikely scenarios, I mean to say that those aren’t my reasons for doing it. Right now the main reason is that it is a sin and that I have never done it before. I think that it says a lot about the testimony if they haven’t just quit something, but moreover that they had the fortitude not to ever do it. I am afraid that it will, in some way, hurt my Christianity. I don’t ever want to hurt my walk with God; even now when I don’t feel him in my life. I don’t want to make a decision that will last a lifetime, when it is a momentary mood where I feel like I am no longer attached to my God. Oh well I think that I have about a week to make this decision, at least about the pot. I have someone coming over that will make me a very tempting offer, and whether I do or not will be a lifelong decision. But I think that’s life, “Huge decisions in the crunch that define who you are forever.”...

I am feeling better about my friends situation. Like I do have friends who love me and things to do on the weekend. Seth and I (a group that we are) are finding a nitch in which to run in. I think that I’m gonna be okay. I just need to keep a sunny outlook. Though it helps that Joseph is in town. He is always the voice of reason in my life, and God knows that I need that now more than ever…

I think that this is enough reality for a Saturday night, I am too young to be dealing with all of this crap…

Your Pal,